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endless thoughts about nothing [Mar. 24th, 2006|10:35 pm]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

memories and old friends are the things that just seem to keep popping up lately.
tonight was magnificent. I spent time with an old friend, kristi, at a track meet and that was deff. relieving.
a simple moment of girl talk, besides random guys with cheesy pick up lines talking to us. we had nothing planned at what so ever and randomness was the ultimate key tonight. tonight we lived, even at a track, we lived each moment then and now. talks about the past make me smile.
The days at private school with her and all the parties was like going through an old chapter book. and yet here we are now, now 17 years old and talking about the days when we were 13, and barely figuring out that we liked boys and how to tell them without looking stupid. Life seems to be going be so fast. Besides the frustration of everything pressing down upon my already weak and breathless chest, i am okay. im keeping the ones i got close.
im so tired at this moment that i cant even seem to function or think.
colorado was so amazing that i fell in love and i want to move there. my realiy was brought back to me this week and it was disgusting.
my car is being dumb. and prom is driving me loca in the head. i want it to be absolutely perfect. its almost like a fairytale, i cant believe its working out this way. its insane. im oober excited but stressed out. IN all reality prom, specifically for girls, is yet another silent but known competition if what we call life. Prom is like a plastic barbie doll to me. or what it signifies, barbie and ken, and here i am saying this and yet im going to this overrated event. or what have you. Plastic, pasty made up faces will fill the room, along with the too expensive, supposedly perfect dresses upon the girls skin, and the toooo perfect hair done, with what the girl thinks is the perfect date. Prom in a way is beautiful you could say, it just depends on who you spend it with and what you decided to do. I didnt want to attend prom this year, but im doing this for one of my best friends david, considering its his senior year, and i want it to be so perfect. I us, chris, david, and riley to forever remmeber our junior and senior prom. i want that memory to live on forever in our hearts. lame i know, but what can i say. david owes me just as much as i owe him. he owes me more, i gave him riley, the girl he has fallen madly in love with.
my year has been filled with so many wins and loses.
i have lost one of the most important ppl in my life to a world filled with drugs. i cant help her now. I kept her out of trouble, yes i can say that i did, she was always ashamed to tell me any hard drug she did, and when she was here she was clean. She was herself, she was happy. She could look me in the eye, staight in the eye, with a cigarrette in her hand and say she was happy, happy at that moment. we were inseperable and she kept me alive, she kept me high on life, with her insane lifestyle. She filled me with so many memories to last more than 2 lifetimes, even though she was only here for less than a year. I have lost someone that i truly loved to a horrible world of coke and ice. I pray i dont have to see the day she screws up, i pray so hard, as horrible and terrible it may sound, that i will never have to go to her funeral anytime soon. i cant help her anymore, and she worries me sick the days i dont talk to her. She has changed and will never be that same girl i saw that summer walking carlessly down the stairs with a cigarrette in her left hand and my black hat. never, i can play that moment in my head over and over again and live it like it was yesterday. but i know i cant live in the past in more, i cant live in the shadow of her. That moment is far too gone and so is she. my friendship has detoriated into a dozen and more pieces, that may never be picked up, unless she helps herself. im done trying, she has drained me of everything i use to have.

yet she has drained me, nat has, i cant even explain it, nat has just filled me with all these crazy things. despite the arguements and all that junk and stuff, he makes me happy and time with him is amazing. this time i know that he loves every aspect of me, and just for me. i believe someone for once and this time i promise i wont mess up. i cant lose someone that i love again.

this was stupid,i dont know why i wrote it, its horrible.

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the day i found a penny [Mar. 24th, 2006|01:45 pm]
I dont know when the last time i have updated, but its not like anyone reads these things that i write you know.
As of this moment, you could say life is somewhat beatiful to me and im slowly letting down that wall i have built up for the past two years, because im not scared anymore. My life is in motion at this very second as i sit and stare at this blinking screen. and right at this very moment so many thoughts of my life are swimming endlessly around in what feels like my hollow brain. as the school year is coming to a complete end, i feel as if i have learned a lot from aug, up until now. Life has been a blurr, when i look back at all the memories i wanted to keep, i now just want to throw out. i have no room left. Ive grown up a little more. I have come to the dramatic realization of what exactly a friendship means. Ive lost a lot of ppl throught the course of this year and it has left a hole in my heart. The people who have vanished completly out of my life have taken that piece with them. I cant rely on anyone but myself, because for the rest of my life here on earth i will live with myself and only myself. people that i have held close to my heart, have broken it and they may never mend it. My life is not a standstill and nor will it ever be and nor do i want it to be. Life has taught me lessons. this past year my godmother died, and as i was a standing outside with the wind in my face and my too big sunglasses covering tears, i realized how fragile life was and how i needed to live every second, despite certain circumstances. And the sad thing was that i hardly knew my godmother, but yet the connection would always be there. Even after she had died she had taught me a lesson about life. And the only memory i have of her is the day she was smiling at my grandpa's mothers house. that day in summer she was in complete pain but yet she smiled.

this is so random. and this deff does not make sense, only if u knew me.

i have learned that love will never be simple and love will never be like the movies. ive learned about myself in such a short amount of time with the help of him, with the help of Nat.
my heart feels like filling this blank computer screen with all of my thoughts, but sadly i am in school and the bell is going to ring.
my mind is in a jumble. and thoughts of the people in my life are slowly confusing me if that makes sense.
i have been dreaming about penguins and death for some reason, i dont know why.
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THIS IS REALLy long, read it if your bored. [Jan. 20th, 2006|10:06 pm]
[mood |cynicalcynical]
[music |the computer buzzing]

ive been standing and staring out my bathroom window for the past few days..
and as im thinking nothing at all comes to my mind
and all i feel is this big empty hollow feeling. A knot right above my belly button. my heart aches for something unknown
and everyday im nauseated and sick to my stomach. nights when im resltess and i wake up more than 3 times because
my mind is racing and so is my heart.
and when morning comes i sit up
and ask myself the cause.
and i come up with nothing.
anxiety pokes at every part of my insides and i cant grasp it or hide it
and this has been the first time in awhile that i have actually written. And i look at my meaningless writing and
think it nothing, my writing is not what it use to be. My writing has lost all of its emotion, feeling, and most of all its depth. My writing use to be
more than just words written on a blank sheet, contrasting that white lifeless color, and now my words cant even
add color to my own black and white outlook on life,the world, and the events happening in my abstract world. Ive kept my writings a secret, until i let you read them. until i let your eyes gaze
over it, up and down, from left to right. The day i let you read my secrets was the end of it all. My head, my mind is filled with rocks and
nothing else. All of my inspiration has gone and all i do is stare out my window thinking of phrases and thoughts and words that i will
never put to paper. My soul has learned to not feel, just as my heart. My soul feels lifeless at times and so do i. I sleep my days, but yet im awake.
My body is present physically, but my mind never is, my mind is always asleep or off in some other world that i know nothing of. I fill my days with my own reality, and
even then i couldnt call my own reality, a reality.
my passion and hunger to pick out words and intricately weave them together piece by piece into something beautiful or ambigious has left me.

Are you ready to cut me out, to cut through me, to cut along the dotted lines of my fingertips.
cut and see what happens.
piece my limbs together any way you want, paint my eyes gray, color my lips read, sew my head on and breathe into me.
After you cut me up, stick me back together again, piece by piece. Unzip
my head and pull out my thoughts with your bare and bruised hands.
Pull them out one by one. glue them together and try do de-code it, de-code me.
Tie me up and fill a jar with my sad, twisted thoughts.

All my thoughts are lost
All my thoughts are swimming aimlessly in a lake of blackness
I look down at the winding road laid out before me
It seems as if it will never end
If there even is an end
I want to get away
And walk down that long winding road forever
Just as long as I can escape
Escape this hell
I fear leaving
I don’t have the vigor or motivation
Or do i
With one final thought
My foot slips
And I plummet down
plummet down into a black hole
A hole filled with darkness
Im shaking
What ever happened to my long winding road I was destined to walk forever
Have I entered another hell
Yet worse than the other
Or have entered a place of harmony
I cannot see
Voices are all around me
Whispering and chattering
Screams and laughter
Where am I
A hole of darkness
Is sure to bring misfortune
Or is it not
I slowly rise
And open my eyes wider
I have opened my eyes to another place
Another world
All I see is darkeness
But a world of darkness
Is a whole world of its own
Darkess is not always black and sinister
It is not threatening or evil
Darkness is a world of light
A light that can only be seen
By those who truly and passionately wish to seek it
Look pass the dark of the night
And you will find what you thought was never there.

*Everything in my life seems so out of place. I cant seem to put the pieces back together
Im scattered everywhere.Im broken, Pieces of my heart and soul
Are laid out in a lake of black ink
They seem to fall endlessly into the lake
As every piece falls
I fall,
I sink,
I sink even deeper into my own pool of sorrow
The sky above me is turning red,
Its opening,
Flashes of white light are seen across the horizon
The ground is shaking beneath me
Rain falls from the thick black clouds
Drops of rain fall onto my hand
The drops of red rain burn my hand
Its erasing me
im being consumed by the rain
the clouds burst
and rain falls yet harder
the lake of ink is spilling over
and painting the earth black
Everything is washing away
the colors all seem to run together
the colors that were once beautiful,
painted a picture
a picture of what one believes is beautiful
the colors now
because they stream together and are all lost and entwined with in one anotherare now ugly
but in one’s eyes what is ugly is beautiful
a masterpiece has been laid out before me
the running of colors is not what one expects to be
beautiful I say
the sun explodes
and I am lost
**My heart swims in a pool of misery,
The pain surrounding my heart seems to intensify with every passing day,
Every passing hour, minute and second.
Im trapped beneath these walls,
I feel so sheltered
So deprived
Im crying out
Come rescue me
But no one hears me
No one hears my shouts
or cries
I need to get out,
Fly away
There is nothing for me here
Im wasting away each day
Precious seconds of my life our being lost
Why am I here
What am I doing
Who am i?
I feel so lonely and trapped
I want to feel
I want to love,I want to love you,
Im crying out for all this to end
Save me
Im begging you
*sometimes don’t u wish you could put all your thoughts in a box and onto a shelf, and bring them out only when u so desired

and you could forget, forget that box of thoughts, you hve trapped your thoughts, and the box is locked, a box of thoughts

*but the box may become too filled with thoughts that It breaks open and then what do you do when your locked boxed of thoughts is unlocked?

You are defenseless.

Perfection can never be defined.
I wish everyone would take off their masks.

ya this is fucking long

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17th bday [Nov. 14th, 2005|08:52 am]
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |greenday]

ahhahdfasdlkfjsdlkfj4905u9423 WOW.
Im 17, and i thought it would feel different you know>Another year older you know, and usually you feel something. But today i dont, i even almost forgot it was my own bday until my mom came upstairs to my room and wished me happy birthday. Id say this year has been good. Ive deff. Had my ups and downs, the good times and the bad, the days where you just feel like breaking down and the days you laugh so hard you almost cry. These past few months have been nothing at all like i would have expected them to be. Ive met some awesome people and also lost some friends, but all in all im so grateful for everything i have right now> and i love the way some of my friends love me and i love them. I dont know what I would do without you guys. This weekend was simple. I got a job 3 days before my bday and i spent basically all weekend with my closest friends and dying my hair haha. I mean its as simple as just looking at someone and loving them so much its insane. It just all goes you know from hanging out at Joe's with random people all over the place, and Hayley and Lj sitting around playing the guitar while kris and i roll around on the floor as people walk by. Its as simple as your friends hugging you and kissing you on the cheek and telling you they love you. Its as simple as going to starbucks early in the morning in a beanie and your hair all over the place and getting free coffee from johnny. Its as simple as running around Joe's beating up and hitting people like kris, Lj, and Seth. Its as simple as making silly faces with your friends. Its as simple as Chet making funny comments about me. Its as simple as sitting in your room and throwing MARKERS at each other. Its as simple as going to wal mart like 5 times just because you can. Its as simple as Eric trying to slam some ass with me in Wal mart and this lady looking at us like we are psychotic. Hhah JK ERIC. You know what i mean. Its as simple as eating tator tots in what you would call Ktown traffic after a football game. Its as simple as singing so loud to your favorite song your own head hurts. Its as simple as Robert asking me to lay with him> its as simple as eric litearlly bitting my butt and then kissing it. Its as simple as rolling in the street because up wont give someone back their jacket. Its as simple as stupid little fights. Its as simple as sitting at a dead end in the middle of the street talking to your best friend. Its as simple as you telling someone you love them. Its as simple as having serious talks with your best friends. Its as simple for wishing things to be the way they use to be. Its as simple as listening to Muse. Its as simple as dancing in your driveway at night. Its as simple as getting a call at midnight and someone you absolutely love wishing you a happy bday. Its as simple as drives home at night with the windows rolled down. Its as simple as hanging out with an old friends. Its as simple as sitting in Ro's driveway with kris and all of us just talking. Its as simple as being able to cry in front of someone you know you shouldnt. Its as simple as playing soccer on Sundays. Its as simple as pinching each other. Its as simple as waking up with your hair all over the place. Its as simple as kissing your sister goodnight. Its as simple as loving your sisters. Its as simple as yelling at your sisters and only b/c you love them. Its as simple as always taking care of your sisters when someone hurts them. Its as simple as playing with your baby sister. Its as simple as listening to the policeman song. Its as simple as visiting friends at work. Its as simple as playing soccer at sonic. Its as simple as going to the hill . Its as simple as taking weird pictures. Its as simple as how we lived the last few weeks of summer and how none of us wanted it to ever end. Its as simple as awkward moments. Its as simple as sitting with your family at dinner. Its as simple as going to sleep knowing someone loves you. Its as simple as listening to the voice of someone you love speak. Its as simple as yelling out to someone and telling them you miss them. Its as simple as parks at night. Its as simple as holding hands with someone. Its as simple as not being able to sleep right unless things are right with someone. Its as simple as applesauce and cinnamon rolls. So many more things are simple in life, but only if you choose to make them that way. All in all im happy. I LOVE ALL OF YOU GUYS! Muah!
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POOPIE [Oct. 4th, 2005|11:55 am]
[mood |amusedamused]

mwahhh things are good except for that fact that i hate school. lol

i have no job but thats ok im still happy lol. \

old friends are so awesome.

i wont ever forget the moment i had last week while i was driving ruben's car and we were listening to jupiter sunrise so loud, the policman song lol and he was making motions to the song and i was just laughing. That moment that i stopped at the stop sign as we were leaving my house with the music so loud was priceless. moments like that for me are so rare. but i felt this wave of absolute bliss and happiness just sitting at the stop sign and looking over at one of my best friends from elementary school. its hard to belive so much time has passed. it seems like me and ruben were running around the playground at tom daniels and stepping on eachothers feet just yesterday. and here we are almost out of high school still trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives. we have been through so much, and even more just with these past 2 months.

and im almost 17, wow, haha. im excited.

i like eating tator tots with lindsey at sonic and her writing POOP on my arm.

and ya thanks you guys( cough* eric and lindsey*)
for throwing firecrackers in my yard at 1 in the morning. ahh i love you crazy kids.

i hate that she is moving back..
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2005|02:59 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |mwahh]

hahah is all i know how to say. there is so much drama going on \, not as much as last weeek i would say.

I hate drama. so much. and the lies and the rumors and everything else associated with it.
Im grounded, from my life........for things that happened so long ago.

i think im going insane. Im so glad LINDSEy moved here. she has helped me so much and about the only person who kept me sane.

I broke up with my boyfriend on Friday and that was one of the hardest things to do......and then i saw him today and that was so hard...i almost choke when i see him. In time things will get better though. i didnt want to bring him down with me....or anyonelse and im tired of hurting ppl/. i cant make everyone happy.

the end. i dont know wht else to do anymore.
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nights outside [Aug. 10th, 2005|12:55 pm]
[mood |touchedtouched]
[music |beatles]

last night was super awesome.

eric came by and picked me up and we met up with gabe and kris at office max of all places.
*saw Ro @ work.

haha then we danced around and drove around the parking lot of ALbertsons. i helped this one guy push baskets haha.
danced on KRIs's car.
Eric and I were airplanes, twas great fun.
then kris and ruben and eric all met up at my house. some old lady was yelling at us to slow down.
haha then we went to HEB and met up with gabe again and some other cool kids.
Eric, Jon and Brock went with eric and i to Starbucks and we hung there for a bit.

Brock is so awesome,.for the first time in a long time i was in awe of a person. He is just so amazing. We tlked about so many things and it sucks that he is moving to Missouri next week. We talked about books and music and so many other things. He showed me the towel dance, which by the way is one of the best dances ever, lol

i keep getting strange calls at my house, its kinda freakin me out. like last night i got a call 5 times from a person with a robot voice.

then hayley dropped my house after work and i stayed with her. we sat oustide almost the whole night as it rained just talking.

mwahhh i get my car in december. blah seems like such a long time away.....
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ahh ha [Aug. 8th, 2005|08:21 pm]
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |rise against]

haha watched Hairspray at Eric's house with all the cool kids lol. >johnny, kris, ruben, tiffany. Then Gabe stopped by. the mashed POTATO! ha

i think im in love with Jackson, Eric's little dog. he is so cute lol. He layed with me while we watched the movie.

Eric let me drive his car, which is standard and i didnt know wtf i was doing. It was very interesting lol.and before that i took gabe's car down the street, haha he was so scared. goodness gabe acts like im a crazy physcotic driver. which im not. that is KRIS haha.

tlks outside with Eric and gabe are super awesome. and i love gabe's hysterical laugh when i start to tlk about my tummy and how it tlks. then gabe starts sniffing me like he is a dog lol. I love living down the street from Eric.

Mustard and ketchup. are the names for gabe's and eric's cars. YUMMy

im super amped for SUNday. haha Kris, Gabe and I are going to SAn marcos and maybe SA i think.

i still have some thinking to do.
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why dont i want all of this [Aug. 7th, 2005|11:23 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]

i dont think i can do relationships really well.
I have the most amazing boyfriend ever, but i keep on pushing him away>im scared of all of this.
I dont know why i feel this way.

I just got to thinking about things, things in life and what i want out of life. I thought about the people i have met in the past and how i miss some of them so much.

ultimately i have to make a decision. I dont want to hurt Ro at all.
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I dont know what else to ask for.. [Jul. 25th, 2005|05:23 pm]
[mood |enthralled]
[music |armor for sleep]

this summer deff has been interesting. it has had its ups and downs.

ive seen a gorilla run down the sidewalk in front of marble slab.

kris, ro and i named our baby zoey, which we found in a pile of toys. Zoey sits in kris's car on the dashboard.

nights with hayley just talking.

swimming at the river.

the night at gabe's house i will never forget. that night at the river.

ive learned a lot about myself this past summer and how i want to be.

parks at night. walks in the park. Chasing ducks.
there are just so many memories. too many to name all at once.

but the most amazing thing in my life right now is Ro.
I <3 my awesome boyfriend. he loves me for me and what more can u ask for. He has taken care of me and has been there for me in everything. And its just weird to think about how he cares about me so much, i mean he actually cares and its kind of scary to be honest, b/c im not use to it. I mean its just so nice to have someone look at u and tell u how beautiful u are. He wants to give me the world, as corny as that sounds. I love walks in the park with him, talks in my driveway at night. I love how he wears his hat to the side and how he bites his lip, its super hott. I love when he kisses the top of my head. i love how he lets me fall asleep on his shoulder when we are watching a movie and kisses me on the cheek when i wake up and says u know ally, "u make some weird noises when u sleep." haha.and he loves to watch me dance all silly and what not. I love his drawings, he is super talented in drawing. I've never in my life had someone as amazing as him or love me like he does.and what drives me crazy is when he just looks at me for the longest time and says nothing. its cute. and when i ask why he doesnt say nething he says he doesnt have to. which still doesnt make sense. I am so happy and lucky to have Ro. HA and i never thought i would be saying all that stuff in my life. It sounds stupid and all blah blah, but its all true. I love everday with him.

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