|endless thoughts about nothing
||[Mar. 24th, 2006|10:35 pm]
memories and old friends are the things that just seem to keep popping up lately.
tonight was magnificent. I spent time with an old friend, kristi, at a track meet and that was deff. relieving.
a simple moment of girl talk, besides random guys with cheesy pick up lines talking to us. we had nothing planned at what so ever and randomness was the ultimate key tonight. tonight we lived, even at a track, we lived each moment then and now. talks about the past make me smile.
The days at private school with her and all the parties was like going through an old chapter book. and yet here we are now, now 17 years old and talking about the days when we were 13, and barely figuring out that we liked boys and how to tell them without looking stupid. Life seems to be going be so fast. Besides the frustration of everything pressing down upon my already weak and breathless chest, i am okay. im keeping the ones i got close.
im so tired at this moment that i cant even seem to function or think.
colorado was so amazing that i fell in love and i want to move there. my realiy was brought back to me this week and it was disgusting.
my car is being dumb. and prom is driving me loca in the head. i want it to be absolutely perfect. its almost like a fairytale, i cant believe its working out this way. its insane. im oober excited but stressed out. IN all reality prom, specifically for girls, is yet another silent but known competition if what we call life. Prom is like a plastic barbie doll to me. or what it signifies, barbie and ken, and here i am saying this and yet im going to this overrated event. or what have you. Plastic, pasty made up faces will fill the room, along with the too expensive, supposedly perfect dresses upon the girls skin, and the toooo perfect hair done, with what the girl thinks is the perfect date. Prom in a way is beautiful you could say, it just depends on who you spend it with and what you decided to do. I didnt want to attend prom this year, but im doing this for one of my best friends david, considering its his senior year, and i want it to be so perfect. I us, chris, david, and riley to forever remmeber our junior and senior prom. i want that memory to live on forever in our hearts. lame i know, but what can i say. david owes me just as much as i owe him. he owes me more, i gave him riley, the girl he has fallen madly in love with.
my year has been filled with so many wins and loses.
i have lost one of the most important ppl in my life to a world filled with drugs. i cant help her now. I kept her out of trouble, yes i can say that i did, she was always ashamed to tell me any hard drug she did, and when she was here she was clean. She was herself, she was happy. She could look me in the eye, staight in the eye, with a cigarrette in her hand and say she was happy, happy at that moment. we were inseperable and she kept me alive, she kept me high on life, with her insane lifestyle. She filled me with so many memories to last more than 2 lifetimes, even though she was only here for less than a year. I have lost someone that i truly loved to a horrible world of coke and ice. I pray i dont have to see the day she screws up, i pray so hard, as horrible and terrible it may sound, that i will never have to go to her funeral anytime soon. i cant help her anymore, and she worries me sick the days i dont talk to her. She has changed and will never be that same girl i saw that summer walking carlessly down the stairs with a cigarrette in her left hand and my black hat. never, i can play that moment in my head over and over again and live it like it was yesterday. but i know i cant live in the past in more, i cant live in the shadow of her. That moment is far too gone and so is she. my friendship has detoriated into a dozen and more pieces, that may never be picked up, unless she helps herself. im done trying, she has drained me of everything i use to have.
yet she has drained me, nat has, i cant even explain it, nat has just filled me with all these crazy things. despite the arguements and all that junk and stuff, he makes me happy and time with him is amazing. this time i know that he loves every aspect of me, and just for me. i believe someone for once and this time i promise i wont mess up. i cant lose someone that i love again.
this was stupid,i dont know why i wrote it, its horrible.